Do you know someone who always assumes tragedy?
I’m not talking about people who assume the worst.
I’m talking about people who think Oedipus was a comedy.
See what I did there? Oedipus? The eye?
Ah, forget it.
Anyway, I’m talking about people who see you smile and suddenly grab your hand and cry out:
“It’s stage 5, isn’t it?!!”
My mom became like that as she got older. But she wasn’t always.
First, she was just a “What?” person. But she applied herself, and after years of hard work, sacrifice, and 12 hours a day of Fox News, she was finally able to make herself into a real Person of Tragedy.
STAGE 1: A “WHAT?” PERSON
You know what i’m talking about. You walk into a room. Not thinking about anything in particular. And someone in that room looks at you, their eyes suddenly wide with alarm, and that person says:
And you have no idea why they asked the question. But they obviously have seen something in your face or mannerisms that alerted them to some kind of looming trouble.
And dammit, they want to be prepared.
So they want to know. “What is coming? What will happen to me? What does Satan want for dinner?”
STAGE 2: “WHAT’S WRONG?!”
The next stage can be identified by adding an apostrophe, a letter, and a word.
That’ll make your butt hairs stand up on end.
For the unsuspecting reasonable person, the question comes out of nowhere. You aren’t doing a damn thing.
Jesus Christ Almighty. Stop that!
That phrase of fear, boarding on panic, apropos of nothing, guarantees the speaker has several medications in their future.
“What’s wrong?!” assumes we’re already at Threat Level Midnight. The danger is within sight. The situation is full on fight or flight and we have to make a decision RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW OR WE’RE ALL GONNA F-N DIE!!!
STAGE 3: FINAL STAGE: PERSON OF TRAGEDY
Ironically… I think it’s ironically. I really have no idea what ironically means.
I tried to understand the meaning for years.
But, ironically, I never understood.
Was that right? Did I use ironically right, I mean?
You know what? I don’t really give a crap. Let’s proceed anyway.
STAGE 3: FINAL STAGE: PERSON OF TRAGEDY (Take 2)
IRONICALLY, while the first two stages leading to being a real Person of Tragedy needed no instigator, the third and final stage does need a clear and definable instigator.
Consider the example from the first of the blog:
I’m talking about people who see you smile and suddenly grab your hand and cry out “It’s stage 5, isn’t it?!!”
The smile was clearly the instigator. The smile taunted the person of tragedy. The smile made it clear the smiler was happy and enjoying life.
The Person of Tragedy has only one thought when confronted with a happy person enjoying life:
THAT HAS TO STOP!
A real Person of Tragedy is always on the look out for any sign of joy.
Their phasers are always set on: KILL THAT F-N JOY!
The real Person of Tragedy goes through life figuratively, and sometimes literally, depending on what part of the country you live in, shitting on birthday cakes.
They’re not always older people, either.
Real Persons of Tragedy can be young.
In fact, if you have children in elementary school, your child may have come upon a young real Person of Tragedy in the past couple of weeks.
Did your child come home from school crying about a kid who yelled a bunch of Infinity War spoilers in the middle of class, ruining the movie for everyone?
That’s an extraordinary example of an already fully developed real Person of Tragedy, before they are even close to hitting puberty.
God save us all.